TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally away from spot. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let's have another position in which American Adult males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you All people a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he must stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the venture, replied, "You understand, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not only unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting focus from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


An additional submit Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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